Speech Impediment

Apparently I have a speech impediment that makes me sound foreign.

My job often involves talking to the public at trade shows.  Invariably, after a while, someone will ocassionally ask  what country I’m from.  Thery can’t quite decide.  Am I English, New Zealander or South African perhaps?  Or is English perhaps my second language?

No, I say, I’m just a country boy from up on the Murray.

The most likely explanation is the four years I spent at Queens College rubbing shoulders with the private school graduates, perhaps unconsciously absorbing some toffy language.

But seriously, I’m from HERE. Really!

 

The customer letter I dare not send.

Dear XXXXXX.

Thank you for your query/suggestions.

Our <brand name> radios do not at present provide the function you require.

However, we have our best men working on it.

In particular we are working on resolving the obvious conflict between the complexity of the function, the cost of development, and the fact that you want it added to the radio for free.

But we have discussed the matter with our top man, and having plied him with sufficient beer, we have secured a pledge that all hands will be put to the pump, because after all, you are an important customer who has bought several of our radios. Of course it doesn’t matter that you bought them via eBay from the USA so we receive no revenue here, or that if we do this work for you, you will do the same thing again. We will always love you because you support the <Our Brand> name.

Your requirements will require some considerable research and as a result will probably take several years to design. We understand your urgent requirement. So instead of working directly on your problem now, we have decided to concentrate our energies on designing a working time machine instead! Once this is done, we will send one of our top engineers back 5 years with instructions to work tirelessly on your suggestion.

If this is successful, we should have your product ready this afternoon.

Or we may just go back and shoot your grandfather at age 10, save a considerable amount of the engineers time and I will not have written this letter.

Yours sincerely….

Revisiting old haunts

Gosh, is it that long since I updated this blog?

Just putting you (?) on notice.  New posts coming because we have NEWS!

 

Still not dead.

Though, of course, you could be forgiven for thinking as much.

A diluted enthusiasm as a result of a busy work schedule has simply meant that blogging hasn’t been on my list of priorities, but it seems a pity to let the old girl die.

I can’t believe it’s been almost 2 years. I even forgot my password.

But I’m back and I’m hoping to get some more regular posts in.  Watch this space!!!

You know what gets up my nose?

Excessive hair, apparently.

Fathers day 2010 will be remembered for the thoughtful gift Ms Canada handed over with a smirk at dinner with my offspring.  A nose hair trimmer. Hint, hint, apparently.  I’d only just trimmed my eyebrows though – they were getting too long at about 30mm for the longest hairs…..

The aforesaid offspring sprung for a very touching card and an infeasibly large block of Toblerone fruit and nut milk chocolate.

And here’s something else that gets up my nose:

What’s the deal with the ad for new hand soap pumps that dispense soap by sensing your hand under the spout so that you “don’t have to touch the dirty pump handle”?

Look, you’re dispensing soap to wash your hands, right? You’re going to wash them after dispensing the soap and wash off any “germs” the pump handle might have on it.  What sort of idiots do the designers of these things think we are?

Happy Fathers Day to you all!

Nescafe Blend 43 no more.

Dear co-workers,

Yes, there are now coffee bags and an honesty jar upstairs near the Charity Chocolates in our office.   I know you have questions.

FAQ

How much do these pouches of the devil’s brew cost?
Well, based on the current exchange rate and possibly due to recent militant action by the Federated Union of Arabica Coffee Pickers, the supermarkets are currently charging a frankly ruinous $9.19 for 28 coffee bags.   Since that equates to about 33 cents per bag,  I’d say 35 cents for one or a flat dollar for three would cover it.

What are you doing with the profits?  Are you hooking us on coffee to fund your shamefully extravagant lifestyle?
As I am scrupulously honest to the last, the extra two cents made on single bags and the single cent earned after a volume Special Discount will be invested wisely in a hedge fund against further coffee bag price rises.  If, however, you think I should just pocket the proceeds, let me know.  I should have enough to cover my initial investment and buy a Big Mac by sometime in 3Q 2025.  (That’s the Japanese 3Q, by the way.)

Who will manage continued supply of the coffee once we succumb to addiction?
Well, I’ll take the “proceeds” and top up supplies as regularly as I can.   However, anyone likely to pass a supermarket is welcome to take the cash and bring back the goodies.  Alternatively, Comrade, you could form a Revolutionary Committee and serve our generous employer, with a demand for decent coffee as an employee benefit.

Can my customer visitors have a coffee bag?
Of course. But don’t forget to fill in an expense claim for the 35 cents and get it signed so you can reimburse the kitty.

You choose rubbish coffee, you idiot!  What if I want a different variety of bag?
I understand your concern and completely agree that it’s a shame that we don’t have your variety here.  And I’d like to thank you for volunteering to go to the shops next time we need coffee so we can all try your preferred blend.

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