Published March 25, 2014
Thank you for your query/suggestions.
Our <brand name> radios do not at present provide the function you require.
However, we have our best men working on it.
In particular we are working on resolving the obvious conflict between the complexity of the function, the cost of development, and the fact that you want it added to the radio for free.
But we have discussed the matter with our top man, and having plied him with sufficient beer, we have secured a pledge that all hands will be put to the pump, because after all, you are an important customer who has bought several of our radios. Of course it doesn’t matter that you bought them via eBay from the USA so we receive no revenue here, or that if we do this work for you, you will do the same thing again. We will always love you because you support the <Our Brand> name.
Your requirements will require some considerable research and as a result will probably take several years to design. We understand your urgent requirement. So instead of working directly on your problem now, we have decided to concentrate our energies on designing a working time machine instead! Once this is done, we will send one of our top engineers back 5 years with instructions to work tirelessly on your suggestion.
If this is successful, we should have your product ready this afternoon.
Or we may just go back and shoot your grandfather at age 10, save a considerable amount of the engineers time and I will not have written this letter.
Published February 28, 2014
Gosh, is it that long since I updated this blog?
Just putting you (?) on notice. New posts coming because we have NEWS!
Published April 3, 2012
Though, of course, you could be forgiven for thinking as much.
A diluted enthusiasm as a result of a busy work schedule has simply meant that blogging hasn’t been on my list of priorities, but it seems a pity to let the old girl die.
I can’t believe it’s been almost 2 years. I even forgot my password.
But I’m back and I’m hoping to get some more regular posts in. Watch this space!!!
Published September 6, 2010
Excessive hair, apparently.
Fathers day 2010 will be remembered for the thoughtful gift Ms Canada handed over with a smirk at dinner with my offspring. A nose hair trimmer. Hint, hint, apparently. I’d only just trimmed my eyebrows though - they were getting too long at about 30mm for the longest hairs…..
The aforesaid offspring sprung for a very touching card and an infeasibly large block of Toblerone fruit and nut milk chocolate.
And here’s something else that gets up my nose:
What’s the deal with the ad for new hand soap pumps that dispense soap by sensing your hand under the spout so that you “don’t have to touch the dirty pump handle”?
Look, you’re dispensing soap to wash your hands, right? You’re going to wash them after dispensing the soap and wash off any “germs” the pump handle might have on it. What sort of idiots do the designers of these things think we are?
Happy Fathers Day to you all!
Published June 28, 2010
Yes, there are now coffee bags and an honesty jar upstairs near the Charity Chocolates in our office. I know you have questions.
How much do these pouches of the devil’s brew cost?
Well, based on the current exchange rate and possibly due to recent militant action by the Federated Union of Arabica Coffee Pickers, the supermarkets are currently charging a frankly ruinous $9.19 for 28 coffee bags. Since that equates to about 33 cents per bag, I’d say 35 cents for one or a flat dollar for three would cover it.
What are you doing with the profits? Are you hooking us on coffee to fund your shamefully extravagant lifestyle?
As I am scrupulously honest to the last, the extra two cents made on single bags and the single cent earned after a volume Special Discount will be invested wisely in a hedge fund against further coffee bag price rises. If, however, you think I should just pocket the proceeds, let me know. I should have enough to cover my initial investment and buy a Big Mac by sometime in 3Q 2025. (That’s the Japanese 3Q, by the way.)
Who will manage continued supply of the coffee once we succumb to addiction?
Well, I’ll take the “proceeds” and top up supplies as regularly as I can. However, anyone likely to pass a supermarket is welcome to take the cash and bring back the goodies. Alternatively, Comrade, you could form a Revolutionary Committee and serve our generous employer, with a demand for decent coffee as an employee benefit.
Can my customer visitors have a coffee bag?
Of course. But don’t forget to fill in an expense claim for the 35 cents and get it signed so you can reimburse the kitty.
You choose rubbish coffee, you idiot! What if I want a different variety of bag?
I understand your concern and completely agree that it’s a shame that we don’t have your variety here. And I’d like to thank you for volunteering to go to the shops next time we need coffee so we can all try your preferred blend.
Published May 5, 2010
Poised almost halfway between the half century and unaffordable retirement, a 55th birthday isn’t one of the “biggies” that people celebrate with extravagant parties. It was mine on May 1st. Thank you for all the birthday wishes, by the way.
There are only two truly significant “fiver” birthdays. Five, because it means you’re finally old enough to go to school and your exhausted parents can finally stop paying for child care. And 65, when you can at last officially retire, claim your retirement savings without being extravagantly taxed and start getting reluctantly given “seniors” discounts for pub meals, McDonalds coffee and train tickets. 75 is a pretty good number too, but then any birthday after about 72 is one worth celebrating a little too enthusiastically.
55 is getting close for most people these days to the last birthday they will have that doesn’t involve small grandchildren underfoot.
My siblings have instituted a convention – we all get together at the home of the afflicted brother or sister on the occasion of their 50th birthday. Since the first, my own low key Chinese restaurant meal with my siblings, children and mother, the subsequent celebrations have expanded each time. The last, only a week or so ago in Queensland for my youngest sister, included a cast of thousands – siblings, spouses, nephews and nieces, children and her first grandchild. Most of us descended on her home near Warwick where she and her partner effectively have two houses on a block of land. All rooms were full, there were tents and a camper, and Ms Canada and I managed to reserve the prime suite, their well appointed caravan. With a BBQ, an all-you-can-eat meal at the local RSL ($14.50) and a huge breakfast at the Yangan pub on Sunday, no-one went hungry.
There’s only one 50th to go – in another 4 years, but in the meantime we have my mother’s 80th.
Then it starts all over again, with my 60th in 2015. How did I get so old?