Nozzle wars

Can you guess what I liked most about staying in one place for more than one night while we were in Canada?

Not changing bathrooms.

I like my hot showers. But I don’t like spending half my time and wasting a considerable amount of water trying to discover how the plumbing works.

In no two places in Canada did the shower fixtures work in the same way, and all too often they seemed to have been designed by an aesthetically gifted sadist with a Buck Rogers fixation.

Where I come from, it’s generally simple. One pair of hot and cold knobs for the shower and one separate set for the bath. Hot on your left, cold on your right. And mostly a rubber plug for your sink or bath.

But in Canada? Welcome to the bridge of the Starship Faucet (TNG version, with flowing lines). No separate knobs exist – only a bewildering variety of often phallic controls, which tilt, rotate or are pulled or pushed. You never know which applies unless you try tugging in every direction to see how it moves. There’s only one “control” system for both hot and cold water for both bath, shower, and plug.

I wasted a lot of water gushing from the bath faucet while trying to figure out how to divert it to the shower. I spent hours shivering while attempting to understand how the temperature controls worked. I think I damaged at least one plug system in the process.

But I usually figured it out, … except once at Ms Canada’s brothers’ house, where, naked and shivering, I finally cried “Uncle” and had to ask him how the hell it worked, (in this case you had to push down on a slightly raised rim on the bath nozzle).

There’s no place like home. Even with our Level 3 water restrictions.


5 Responses to “Nozzle wars”

  1. 1 microsoar May 21, 2007 at 11:39 pm

    There are even better plumbing stories at Doug’s place

  2. 2 Dean May 22, 2007 at 12:41 am

    It’s a North American thing. They’re still building new houses in vast parts of this continent, and the plumbing companies keep coming up with new and better ideas.

    You can kind of track the age of a development by going into the bathrooms of the houses to see how the fixtures work.

  3. 3 sxKitten May 24, 2007 at 9:23 am

    Dean’s right. I work for a company that imports faucets, and we’re always looking for The Next Big Thing in plumbing technology. One day, we’ll come up with a shower with no controls – you’ll just think at it really hard. Then freeze/scald your ass because you were daydreaming/admiring your manly physique/trying to remember if you needed a new razor.

    On behalf of our industry, John, I apologise. We’re not trying to make you miserable, it’s just an unfortunate side effect of our quest for global bathroom domination!

  4. 4 Doug May 24, 2007 at 3:45 pm

    I’m still dreaming about my hydromassage 🙂

    I’ve tagged you. Or will tag you. It’s not up yet. But it probably will be by the time you read this — it’s the Three Old Favorites post.

  5. 5 microsoar May 25, 2007 at 12:55 am

    Weapons of Wash Distraction?

    Then freeze/scald your ass because you were daydreaming/admiring your manly physique/trying to remember if you needed a new razor.

    How’d you know about my manly physique?
    I don’t need to remember if I need a new razor. Ms Canada usually lets me know in no uncertain terms when the growth is getting a raspy.

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