Archive for March, 2014

The customer letter I dare not send.


Thank you for your query/suggestions.

Our <brand name> radios do not at present provide the function you require.

However, we have our best men working on it.

In particular we are working on resolving the obvious conflict between the complexity of the function, the cost of development, and the fact that you want it added to the radio for free.

But we have discussed the matter with our top man, and having plied him with sufficient beer, we have secured a pledge that all hands will be put to the pump, because after all, you are an important customer who has bought several of our radios. Of course it doesn’t matter that you bought them via eBay from the USA so we receive no revenue here, or that if we do this work for you, you will do the same thing again. We will always love you because you support the <Our Brand> name.

Your requirements will require some considerable research and as a result will probably take several years to design. We understand your urgent requirement. So instead of working directly on your problem now, we have decided to concentrate our energies on designing a working time machine instead! Once this is done, we will send one of our top engineers back 5 years with instructions to work tirelessly on your suggestion.

If this is successful, we should have your product ready this afternoon.

Or we may just go back and shoot your grandfather at age 10, save a considerable amount of the engineers time and I will not have written this letter.

Yours sincerely….